13 posts tagged “weekly”

Wyldemille Weekly....The Paper Even Your Dog Won't Chew

This week's top stories...

1.  Family.

The Mille made headlines again this week for its outstanding contribution toward the existence of the family.  A recently published survey saw the Mille top the table of Children per Teenage Girl.  This reporter was fortunate to catch up with a lady featured in the table in between Trisha and Hollyoaks.  A Miss B.V.Y.P.R.F.V. Evans, gave her response to the findings as follows.

 'Fuckin awesome like innit yeah, do you know what i mean'? 

Not really no.

 'Well like we is gotta fucking resbonsibilitee to ave kids like innit cos we needs someone to hold our fags like innit and kids can shoplift well better than us innit, do you know what i mean'?

Still a little unclear,  but this reporter got the gist.  Thank you Beyonce, who incidently is hoping for her 7th child this August, just before she starts Comp.  Congratulations Beyonce, we are all hoping it's your first Black one.

2.  Identity.

Horror struck this week when another resident of the Mille, a Master 50 Cent Jones, was mistaken for a resident of Treherbert.  Unhappy with this error from the public, 50 approached this paper to enquire about how such a mistake could have occured.

'What the fuck is the fuckin twat on like innit, C**t'?

This reporter then pointed out that 50 was not dressed entirely in the correct attire for a Milleite.  He had succesfully remembered his Burberry Cap, 20 Lambert, and luminous tracksuit, but somehow forget to carry his crate of Strongbow.  After demonstrating his mistake, 50 was apologetic explaining that '...the c**ts fucked my dole up like innit so I had to nick me Bow quick and drink it in one to get rid of the fucking bottle, do you know what the fuck i mean...'?

Almost 50 yes. 

For female milleites your uniform to be worn is printed below to make sure the same doesn't happen to you.

1. 1 Pair of flourescent tracksuit bottoms (Kappa or Reebok).

2. 1 Boob Tube (with tattoo of ex boyfriends name clearly visible on left tit).

3. One pram (3-8 babies, one black one if possible).

4. One packet of Regal Full Tar and one bottle of Bacardi.

5. One thong (must be visible above tracksuit bottoms).

Finally a look at the markets. Meth down to £2 a kilo, LSD and Ecstacy £4 a bag (BOGOF) and Smack £5 an Ounce.

War

After months and almost weeks of peace and harmony on the Wyldemille Estate old grudges have once again resurfaced which threaten to reignite old animosity, flare up old feuds, and have the potential to erupt onto the streets even during Oprah.  The longest period of community harmony the estate has seen since Big Brother first arrived on our screens, now threatens to explode into the biggest mass riot since 40,000 Giros went missing in the week before Christmas.

The source of the current discontent has been traced back to a videotape starring ex-Milleite Miss E Logan.  This unfortuante piece of footage has made it's way into the hands of the Tair-Felin Massive, who claim that Miss Logan is one of their bitches, who screened the tape in the local communtiy centre last Friday night.  Community Centre manager, Phil McCrevis expressed delight at the turnout and even praised those who stood outside in the rain peering through the window at Miss Logan's actions.  Members of the Tair-Felin Massive were less than impressed, however, seeing quite explicitly that Miss Logan was clearly entertaining several members of rival Massive Maes-Yr-Felin.

 'This kind of disloyalty is fucking not on like innit.  She is our Ho and always has been.  Check out the local subways which record her special talents. Bitch!' said Master Montell Ne-Yo Evans.  Strong words indeed and a warning to other local Ho's that such behaviour is unacceptable.  Miss Logan, who's shame has sent her into hiding was unavailable for comment.  However, copies of Miss Logan's dramatic production are up for grabs in this weeks Wydlemille Weekly Prize Draw.  This reporter shall have to retain one copy for research purposes of course.

It was hoped that after the horrors of the Glanfornwg Missile Crisis, the Maes-Tair Blitxkrieg of 2003, and the infamous seige of Muchchies Chippy during the battered sausage shortage, that such horrors would be a thing of the past.  However, as I'm writing hostilities have already broken out,  Londis has sold out of paint thinner, the Maes-yr-Felin Massive have ramraided Black and Decker, and Air Rifle sales have reached record levels.

This reporter is currently situated in no-mans land on the grounds of the old boiler house.  To my left is the Maes-ye-Felin Massive, dressed in Reebok Combats and Burberry Hats.  To my right stand the Tair-Felin Alliance of Chavs with their war-music of Hard Core Garage cutting a menacing picture. However, just as the warring factions began to charge into battle hope suddenly entered the fray.  The combatants dropped their weapons, checked their watch and, in panic, began to race back in the direction they had came.  A miracle I thought, somehow they had recognised the futility of war, until my assistant pointed out that Jeremy Kyle had just started.

WW should give mention to one beneficiary of the escalation of this new conflict Mr Dwayne 'Dangerous' Nutz, who in a stroke of genius agreed to finance both sides.  His motto 'Fight Meth With More Meth' has caught on so there is at least some positives to take away from senseless mass murder.

Finally, it should be noted that Miss Logan's actions were completely out of character and she is a pillar of public decency and morality that all ladies should aspire too.   .

War Part II

After enjoying an hours tranquility the ceasefire officially ended at 10.25am.  The sound of those famous words once again bellowed out from the open windows of the estate's flats.  'Thanks for joining us and we'll see you next time' uttered the Kyle.  No sooner had his words left his mouth than rumblings began coming at me from every direction.  Stuck in no-mans land, this reporter could see the rival massives leave their humble abodes and began approaching the battlefield armed with industrial strength paint thinner, air-rifes and empty bottles of Bacardi from the morning's breakfast.

As both sides squared up on opposite sides of the boiler house it was difficult to pick a winner.  Each force was roided up to the max and topped up with some of Dwayne 'Dangerous Dave's' homemade Meth.  However, just as each side began to exchange insults about their rivals mothers an unexpected twist occured.  From the west approached a battalian of bald, twenty stone, tatooed lunatics.  The blokes they had with them were no better.  It appeared that Tremgarth had grown tired of being left out of local news and had come to prove that they were just as psychopathic as all the other residents of the Mille.  Not only that, but they were also claiming that Miss E. Logan, the cause of the troubles, was rightfully their Ho, proof of which was delivered to this reporter in the middle of the battle ground.  After twisting and turning the photographs for a while I was soon able to make out the acts being performed by Miss Logan in the Adventure and had to applaud the flexibility and athleticism she showed on the benches and against the Oak trees.  My gasps drew attention from several of the warmongering residents who gathered around me to get a better look.

''That can't be her ass' exclaimed one local. 'The dirty little minx'!

'Oi', yelled a disgruntled female as she snatched a poloroid from my hands.  She had recognised the tattoo of Tupac on one of the cocks and began to give chase to the unlucky lad whose actions had been caught on film.

'That's not possible is it'? enquired the local lollipop man.

The photographs had proved to be a useful respite which gave this reporter time to track down the elusive Miss Logan and settle this issue once and for all.  So, with his usual charm and wit, this reporter was able to convince the angry mob to return home for Trisha while I began my search for the supple temptress and to hear what she had to say.

Wyldemille Weekly..... The paper even the wind won't blow.

This week's top stories.

Youth Culture

Mille youths are having a hard time of it lately.  The bulldozing of the petrol station and bus shelters has meant that many of them have had to piss in the toilets of their own home.  The boarding up of many of the tower flats prompted angry reaction from popular female Milleite Miss Stacey Slaps.  Stacey approached this reporter to voice her concerns.  “I fink it is gonna be much more harder for me to carry on with my ‘Friendly to Visitors’ program now.  Wiv it getting colder and that I is finding it much harder to find a suitable place to welcome new blokes like innit”.  Miss Slaps also complained that all records of her previous efforts of welcoming visitors to the Mille that had been recorded in luminous yellow paint in the subways and on the petrol station had all but disappeared.  Wyldemille Weekly can confirm that if it was not for the carvings on the Oak trees in the Adventure visitors would be clueless as to the various talents of Stacey.  The owner of Londis has also stated that sales of spray paint cans have rapidly decreased which can only mean bad news for the Milles upcoming contemporary young artists.

Annual Fair

Earlier this week the Mille enjoyed its annual fete where residents young and old came to set up stalls, play games and exchange opinions on present day Mille life.  Most stalls recorded high profits on boxed DVD players, Sony Play Stations and car stereos but one stall in particular a Medical Stall, erected by Mr Dwayne ‘Dangerous’ Kyle, reported the highest takings of the day with over £10,000 in used notes exchanging hands in the first twenty minutes of business.  The only disappointment of the day was the constant interruptions of Constable PC Evans which led to the occasional abandonment of proceedings.  However, WW and all residents of the Mille would like to thank the Montell children, Britney aged 5, Ne-Yo aged 6, twins Shakira and Whitney aged 8 and eldest sister Latifa (the black one) for their efforts in distracting PC Evans by means of setting light to his car.

Finally, a look at the markets.  All goods are in short supply after the stunning sales recorded at the fete, however, imports are due to arrive on schedule at the usual time and place.

Wyldemille Weekly........The Paper Even Tramps Refuse To Sleep On.

Today's Top Stories

1.  Time.

As a genius songwriter once wrote 'The Times Are a Changing'.  These words of Barlow have never felt so true.  Gone are the days of looking forward to the next Noodle Mine advert or deciding which Corr sister you would fuck first.  We now live in an age of Simon Cowell,  Jeremy Kyle and Big Brother.  However, there is also a lot of shit on the television. 

'Brainy' programs as they are generically known throughout the Mille are still polluting our airwaves.  I had the misfortune of having to sit through one just yesterday and it was the most tortuous thirty minutes of my life.  Called 'The News' it lacked everything good about television that Milleites have come to love so dearly.  There were no phone lines open for us to vote which 'News Reader' to boot off.  The anchorman had not fucked any of his son's girlfriends, at all.  The business man showed no signs of any obvious mental disability, and the weather girl failed to get her tits out and did not call any of her studio mates a c***, slag, whore or threaten to kill anyone in the entire thirty minutes.  Even more unbelievable, was that none of the men had to take any DNA tests throughout the entire show!

Let us pray that the likes of the History, Discovery and National Geographic channels are also soon to be condemned to the past to make way for the All New Montell Trisha Oprah Rikki Springer show.

2.  Infrastructure.

For years the Mille has proudly been instantly recognizable on aerial maps and satellite images of the Earth.  The distinct and unique colour of its housing has been unmistakable.  Yet this has all come to pass over the past few months due to the fresh regeneration scheme the council have put into place.  Gone are the grey fumed stained hamlets that have served the Mille so well.  And in their place have come two more contemporary colours, which have each brought their share of comments since their implementation.

First, we have what is best described as a Chlorine Gas shade of lime.  This reporter can only assume the reasons for this choice of colour, is to act as a reminder of the delights of trench warfare, and the agonizing deaths of the Mille's forefathers during the first World War. 

Second, is another unique colour that can only be described as a sort of septic tumor meets baked sick.  It has certainly drawn breath from the residents and therefore the council should be congratulated on their choices, which will make certain that the Mille retains its instant recognizability.  On another note, the Mille is without its usual traffic light turner this week due to an unfortunate bust during Britain's Got Talent.  So the Mille needs a volunteer to twist the traffic lights around so they face completely the wrong direction at 4am this Sunday morning.

Obituaries.

A Miss Latifa Jenkins died immediately when she was caught robbing the house of new resident, Mr Dolph Lee Chan (4 Times World Kick Boxing Champion and Strangeways escapee).

Finally a look at the markets........ Skunk down 30p to 2p a kilo, whilst shares in the Cocoa Bean remained steady.

Wyldemille Weekly....The Paper That Won't Even Stick To Balloons.

This weeks top stories.

New WW Feature!!!!

1.  Internet.

"You can use the internet for things other than porn you know".  This is what some posh bloke said to me as I was happily doing some one-handed surfing in the office the other day.  At first I laughed it off assuming it to be some kind of joke, however after some research it appears the bloke was right.  The advent of the internet has given rise to all kinds of things apart from the sacred Spankwire.  There has been a recent rise in the popularity of social networking sites such as Facebook and Bebo.  This reporter visited such sites and came away with an idea.  The websites mentioned would be too difficult for the average Milleitte to understand but with a little tweaking WW is proud to announce that it will soon launch its very own social networking site for residents and for anyone else who has a connection with the Mille.  Do not be put off if you think you do not qualify as this reporter has a list of criteria printed below that would allow you membership of this new and exciting project.

1.  Does your dealer live here or have any family here?
2.  Has your car ever been nicked, dumped or set alight here?
3.  Have you fathered any Milleites here?
4.  Have you been nailed in any subways here?

If you have answered yes to any of the above then you qualify for membership.  Here are a list of the applications you will be able to add once you register.

a) Compare Dealers:  This application allows you buy and sell a range of illegal narcotics to other users with an aim to making more profit than them.  If you are the number one dealer at the end of each week you will gain the enviable title of Mr or Miss Big.  Extra points will be gained for making your friends overdose or miss Judge Judy.

b)  Sly Poke:  With sly poke you will be able to select from a variety of actions to do to your friends.  Some of the actions available to you will be Grass them, Batter them, Steal their SKY remote, Pinch their Reeboks or Raid their stash.  The more you sly poke the more actions will become available to you eventually culminating in the dreaded 'Forget to tape Jeremy Kyle poke'.

c) Little Green Plant:  This application allows you to nurture some 'homegrown'.  The successful user of this application will learn how to import merchandise from Morocco and Holland, then cultivate your own little green plant into a forest of quality exportable goods.

d) Roiders Vs Smackheads:  This application allows you to become either a Roider or a Smackhead.  You can go around inflicting all kinds of horrible things to your victims.  Extra points will be awarded to the most original type of physical harm you can cause or for the most amount of ASBO's you can collect on a single rampage.

These are just a few of the applications out of  many that this reporter has in the planning stage.  Watch this space! Isn't it?

2.  Weather.

The glorious sunshine that has bathed the Mille this week has finally started off the Topless Garden Sunbathing season.  All the local favourites were soon into action and sales of binoculars from Hyper Value set a new record.  This paper does not need to print out the best spots for viewing although if this reporter catches any Milleites in his tree this year he will obviously have to slam them.

Finally a look at the markets.  The sunshine means that it has been a good week for the weed with prices falling so quickly the annual gang wars have started a fortnight early.

Wyldemille Weekly.......The Paper That Keeps Paint Off Your Carpet 

Today's Top Stories....

1.  Crime.

It was feared that on release of local statistics earlier this week, the Mille had been toppled from its perch at the top of the league table for Criminal Acts per Square Mile in the Northern Hemisphere.  This shocking revelation spurred this reporter into action to try and  discover just what exactly caused this alarming turn of events to arise.  Mercifully, after fuck all research, the facts behind this insult surfaced.  The story is as follows...

The number of crimes committed in the Mille had actually continued to rise at the normal rate, the number of cars set on fire and the number of windows smashed at Londis were found to be at the usual level.  What occurred to cause the drop in the official rates, was that the crimes had gone unreported, and therefore did not show up on the national database.  This was down to the actions of a Miss Tracey 'Left Eye' Williams, whom after consuming her usual breakfast of LSD on toast, left her home and in a fit of panic, believing the telephone cables to be 'Giant fucking snakes out to eat her giro', cut the cables from their masts thus enabling communication to the police station to be impossible.  Left Eye, a 17 year old Grandmother of 9, was apologetic in casualty stating that if she could give a fuck, she would.

2.  Death.

This subject appears to be mentioned more and more in tandem with the respected Mille name.  The top causes of death however may suprise our readers.  First is obviously Young Age, but second is the R Kelly hit 'I believe I can fly'.  How is this so I hear absolutely no one ask.  Well, apparently the song is being sang by most fatalities on their plummet from the railway bridge to the cold hard concrete during their nightly acid trips.  This reporter, on hearing this news, contacted R's agent to ask if R could re-write the lyrics to stem the flow of Milleites hitting the newly laid tarmac like a dart.  R has obliged and the new chorus is printed below...

I believe I can fly

But I is not gonna try

Because I actually can't

Just like all Milleites can't.

On publication of this revamped version R's lawyers have contacted this paper insisting that R did not write this new lyric and demanded that an immediate investigation be launched by WW into itself to unearth the 'cretinous cunt who wrote this fucking shite' (Kelly, R, 2008).  This paper will launch the investigation at the first possible chance, probably after Jeremy Kyle but will obviously be concluded once Trisha starts.

*******NEW****** Obituaries...

A Mr. Montell Edwards, 17, died suddenly after receiving a letter stopping his incapacity benefit whilst working the Waltzers on Coney Beach.

Finally a look at the markets..... Pills £1 each or 3 for a fiver.  Meth continued to drop on the FTSE and Crack free with the coupon from this paper.

Wyldemille Weekly...The paper that keeps your chips warm.

AWARD!

WYLDEMILLE WEEKLY WINS TOP HONOUR!

Fantastic news for WW and its readers. Both of them.  This paper is proud to announce that WW has been voted 4987th best newspaper in South Wales and 3rd in the official list of completely pointless and piss poor journalistic articles to 'darken our shores'.  "This paper is without question the lowest possible form of literature imaginable by man.  I wouldn't touch it even to get horseshit off my shoes" (Kyle, J, 2008).

In light of this outstanding achievement, this paper is now looking for a 'man in the field' such as the amazing Brian Fantana, to assist in this papers inevitable slide toward even greater depths of purile shite.  If you think you have got what it takes, then email this reporter at bennytheballonline@gmail.com for a totally aimless interview.

Applicunts should be able to demonstrate an ability to write at an almost cataclysmic and catastrophicly  pathetic standard to assist in the continuation of this paper's burgeoning reputation.

I look forward to receiving absolutely no such applications over the coming weeks. 

B.Ball (C.U.N.T).

Wyldemille Weekly.........The Paper That Never Comes Out On Time.

This week's top story.

Special Report..........Conversing with Milleites (Is language a barrier)?

Earlier this week this reporter headed deep into the heartland of the Mille to undertake some field research.  I was acting on the growing number of concerned letters that WW has been receiving regarding the increased difficulty some residents are experiencing whilst attempting to converse with a Milleite.  To gain some first hand knowledge of the problem this reporter decided to visit the best place to observe and partake in dialogue with a Milleite, the estate's hairdressers.

I escaped detection by taking on the role of a new resident who wished to have a hair-cut.  After a quick wash in the basin I was then dressed in a large black overall and sat in pink leather chair.  Happily, after only a short wait, an employee greeted me and then enquired after which particular hair style I would like to sport.  After issuing the young lady with my request I was seated in a comfortable rotating chair as she gathered her equipment.

At this point I was pleased with the service and failed to see why so many residents felt they needed to contact me with their concerns at all.  However, less than a minute later, I became aware of the problem.  The following is a truthful narrative of my conversation in the hairdressers.

Characters:  Benny Ball (C.U.N.T), Sherise and Taylor (Owner).

Sherise: What you been doing today en?
Me: Walking my dog.
Sherise: Aww, I like dogs. Do you like dogs Tayl? You like dogs then do you?
Me: Yeah.
Taylor: What you say?
Sherise: I said do you like dogs?
Taylor: Yeah, I like dogs. Do you like dogs?
Me: Yeah, I like dogs.
Sherise: I like dogs too.  How many dogs you got en?
Me: One.
Sherise: Ah, I got one dog too!  Tayl, you got one dog as well aven't you?
Taylor: Yeah. I got one dog.  You like dogs en do you?
Me: Yeah.
Sherise: I like dogs but my boyfriend dunt.  He's got one though. You always had one dog en?
Me: Yeah, apart from when I had two dogs like.
Sherise: Aw there's lush. You only got one dog now though is it?
Me: Yeah I only got one dog now.
Taylor: Is it different having two dogs than one dog? I want another dog.
Sherise: Do you? You like dogs then do you Tayl?
Me: This gonna take much longer?
Taylor: Yeah, I've always liked dogs. They get old though don't they?
Sherise: Yeah, my dogs got old. How old is your dog?
Me: 46.

I am now walking around with half a haircut.  It is a small price to pay.

Finally, a look at the markets.....Skunk - £3 a kilo or £5 a ton. Meth - see Daryl Nutz for latest offers.
 
 

Wyldemille Weekly.....The Paper That Put Andrex Out Of Business.

This week's top stories..

1.  Nature.

The location of the Mille lends itself well to the beauty and elegance of Mother Nature.  Surrounding the Mille are places that all contribute towards the wonderous scenery that makes up Mille life.  Visitors are often spoiled with the natural beauty of the mighty Ogmore river and its thriving contents.  This reporter took a walk along the river bank just yesterday and was literally speechless at the varied selection of shopping trolleys displayed along it meandering path.  The wide selection of colours of the rusting steel objects was at times breathtaking.  The river, however, it just one of many other natural glories.  To the east of the Mille lies the Black Path and it is here that on most summer mornings ramblers will come across piles of discarded lager cans and cigarette packets majestically stacked in all manners of design.  One such work, by Master Nelly Evans, is on the shortlist for this years Turner Prize.

2.  Fashion.

When one thinks of the iconic cities of world fashion it is places such as Milan, Paris and Treherbert that spring to mind.  However, another name may soon be added to this elite list.  The Mille, has of late, been a hotbed for new fashion and trends that may be about to take the fashion world be storm.  The t-shirt look of a roider sporting his six year old sisters top is proving exceptionally popular.  As well as the new pink tight fitting leggins or (mumble pants) currently favoured by the female residents.  The name apparently comes from peoples ability to observe the female's genitalia apparently 'mumbling' something as they walk.  Let's all hope Victoria Beckham will champion this new look.

Finally a look at the markets............. Dutch Brown up 0.2 on the FTSE, smack closed the day on £2 a kilo but unfortunately the rising cost of fuel means that Columbian White has had to rise to its highest level yet of £7 a ton.