2 posts tagged “markets”

Wyldemille Weekly....The Paper Even Your Dog Won't Chew

This week's top stories...

1.  Family.

The Mille made headlines again this week for its outstanding contribution toward the existence of the family.  A recently published survey saw the Mille top the table of Children per Teenage Girl.  This reporter was fortunate to catch up with a lady featured in the table in between Trisha and Hollyoaks.  A Miss B.V.Y.P.R.F.V. Evans, gave her response to the findings as follows.

 'Fuckin awesome like innit yeah, do you know what i mean'? 

Not really no.

 'Well like we is gotta fucking resbonsibilitee to ave kids like innit cos we needs someone to hold our fags like innit and kids can shoplift well better than us innit, do you know what i mean'?

Still a little unclear,  but this reporter got the gist.  Thank you Beyonce, who incidently is hoping for her 7th child this August, just before she starts Comp.  Congratulations Beyonce, we are all hoping it's your first Black one.

2.  Identity.

Horror struck this week when another resident of the Mille, a Master 50 Cent Jones, was mistaken for a resident of Treherbert.  Unhappy with this error from the public, 50 approached this paper to enquire about how such a mistake could have occured.

'What the fuck is the fuckin twat on like innit, C**t'?

This reporter then pointed out that 50 was not dressed entirely in the correct attire for a Milleite.  He had succesfully remembered his Burberry Cap, 20 Lambert, and luminous tracksuit, but somehow forget to carry his crate of Strongbow.  After demonstrating his mistake, 50 was apologetic explaining that '...the c**ts fucked my dole up like innit so I had to nick me Bow quick and drink it in one to get rid of the fucking bottle, do you know what the fuck i mean...'?

Almost 50 yes. 

For female milleites your uniform to be worn is printed below to make sure the same doesn't happen to you.

1. 1 Pair of flourescent tracksuit bottoms (Kappa or Reebok).

2. 1 Boob Tube (with tattoo of ex boyfriends name clearly visible on left tit).

3. One pram (3-8 babies, one black one if possible).

4. One packet of Regal Full Tar and one bottle of Bacardi.

5. One thong (must be visible above tracksuit bottoms).

Finally a look at the markets. Meth down to £2 a kilo, LSD and Ecstacy £4 a bag (BOGOF) and Smack £5 an Ounce.

Wyldemille Weekly.......The Paper That Keeps Paint Off Your Carpet 

Today's Top Stories....

1.  Crime.

It was feared that on release of local statistics earlier this week, the Mille had been toppled from its perch at the top of the league table for Criminal Acts per Square Mile in the Northern Hemisphere.  This shocking revelation spurred this reporter into action to try and  discover just what exactly caused this alarming turn of events to arise.  Mercifully, after fuck all research, the facts behind this insult surfaced.  The story is as follows...

The number of crimes committed in the Mille had actually continued to rise at the normal rate, the number of cars set on fire and the number of windows smashed at Londis were found to be at the usual level.  What occurred to cause the drop in the official rates, was that the crimes had gone unreported, and therefore did not show up on the national database.  This was down to the actions of a Miss Tracey 'Left Eye' Williams, whom after consuming her usual breakfast of LSD on toast, left her home and in a fit of panic, believing the telephone cables to be 'Giant fucking snakes out to eat her giro', cut the cables from their masts thus enabling communication to the police station to be impossible.  Left Eye, a 17 year old Grandmother of 9, was apologetic in casualty stating that if she could give a fuck, she would.

2.  Death.

This subject appears to be mentioned more and more in tandem with the respected Mille name.  The top causes of death however may suprise our readers.  First is obviously Young Age, but second is the R Kelly hit 'I believe I can fly'.  How is this so I hear absolutely no one ask.  Well, apparently the song is being sang by most fatalities on their plummet from the railway bridge to the cold hard concrete during their nightly acid trips.  This reporter, on hearing this news, contacted R's agent to ask if R could re-write the lyrics to stem the flow of Milleites hitting the newly laid tarmac like a dart.  R has obliged and the new chorus is printed below...

I believe I can fly

But I is not gonna try

Because I actually can't

Just like all Milleites can't.

On publication of this revamped version R's lawyers have contacted this paper insisting that R did not write this new lyric and demanded that an immediate investigation be launched by WW into itself to unearth the 'cretinous cunt who wrote this fucking shite' (Kelly, R, 2008).  This paper will launch the investigation at the first possible chance, probably after Jeremy Kyle but will obviously be concluded once Trisha starts.

*******NEW****** Obituaries...

A Mr. Montell Edwards, 17, died suddenly after receiving a letter stopping his incapacity benefit whilst working the Waltzers on Coney Beach.

Finally a look at the markets..... Pills £1 each or 3 for a fiver.  Meth continued to drop on the FTSE and Crack free with the coupon from this paper.