1 post tagged “crime”

Wyldemille Weekly.......The Paper That Keeps Paint Off Your Carpet 

Today's Top Stories....

1.  Crime.

It was feared that on release of local statistics earlier this week, the Mille had been toppled from its perch at the top of the league table for Criminal Acts per Square Mile in the Northern Hemisphere.  This shocking revelation spurred this reporter into action to try and  discover just what exactly caused this alarming turn of events to arise.  Mercifully, after fuck all research, the facts behind this insult surfaced.  The story is as follows...

The number of crimes committed in the Mille had actually continued to rise at the normal rate, the number of cars set on fire and the number of windows smashed at Londis were found to be at the usual level.  What occurred to cause the drop in the official rates, was that the crimes had gone unreported, and therefore did not show up on the national database.  This was down to the actions of a Miss Tracey 'Left Eye' Williams, whom after consuming her usual breakfast of LSD on toast, left her home and in a fit of panic, believing the telephone cables to be 'Giant fucking snakes out to eat her giro', cut the cables from their masts thus enabling communication to the police station to be impossible.  Left Eye, a 17 year old Grandmother of 9, was apologetic in casualty stating that if she could give a fuck, she would.

2.  Death.

This subject appears to be mentioned more and more in tandem with the respected Mille name.  The top causes of death however may suprise our readers.  First is obviously Young Age, but second is the R Kelly hit 'I believe I can fly'.  How is this so I hear absolutely no one ask.  Well, apparently the song is being sang by most fatalities on their plummet from the railway bridge to the cold hard concrete during their nightly acid trips.  This reporter, on hearing this news, contacted R's agent to ask if R could re-write the lyrics to stem the flow of Milleites hitting the newly laid tarmac like a dart.  R has obliged and the new chorus is printed below...

I believe I can fly

But I is not gonna try

Because I actually can't

Just like all Milleites can't.

On publication of this revamped version R's lawyers have contacted this paper insisting that R did not write this new lyric and demanded that an immediate investigation be launched by WW into itself to unearth the 'cretinous cunt who wrote this fucking shite' (Kelly, R, 2008).  This paper will launch the investigation at the first possible chance, probably after Jeremy Kyle but will obviously be concluded once Trisha starts.

*******NEW****** Obituaries...

A Mr. Montell Edwards, 17, died suddenly after receiving a letter stopping his incapacity benefit whilst working the Waltzers on Coney Beach.

Finally a look at the markets..... Pills £1 each or 3 for a fiver.  Meth continued to drop on the FTSE and Crack free with the coupon from this paper.