Wyldemille Weekly....

Wyldemille Weekly........The Paper Even Tramps Refuse To Sleep On.

Today's Top Stories

1.  Time.

As a genius songwriter once wrote 'The Times Are a Changing'.  These words of Barlow have never felt so true.  Gone are the days of looking forward to the next Noodle Mine advert or deciding which Corr sister you would fuck first.  We now live in an age of Simon Cowell,  Jeremy Kyle and Big Brother.  However, there is also a lot of shit on the television. 

'Brainy' programs as they are generically known throughout the Mille are still polluting our airwaves.  I had the misfortune of having to sit through one just yesterday and it was the most tortuous thirty minutes of my life.  Called 'The News' it lacked everything good about television that Milleites have come to love so dearly.  There were no phone lines open for us to vote which 'News Reader' to boot off.  The anchorman had not fucked any of his son's girlfriends, at all.  The business man showed no signs of any obvious mental disability, and the weather girl failed to get her tits out and did not call any of her studio mates a c***, slag, whore or threaten to kill anyone in the entire thirty minutes.  Even more unbelievable, was that none of the men had to take any DNA tests throughout the entire show!

Let us pray that the likes of the History, Discovery and National Geographic channels are also soon to be condemned to the past to make way for the All New Montell Trisha Oprah Rikki Springer show.

2.  Infrastructure.

For years the Mille has proudly been instantly recognizable on aerial maps and satellite images of the Earth.  The distinct and unique colour of its housing has been unmistakable.  Yet this has all come to pass over the past few months due to the fresh regeneration scheme the council have put into place.  Gone are the grey fumed stained hamlets that have served the Mille so well.  And in their place have come two more contemporary colours, which have each brought their share of comments since their implementation.

First, we have what is best described as a Chlorine Gas shade of lime.  This reporter can only assume the reasons for this choice of colour, is to act as a reminder of the delights of trench warfare, and the agonizing deaths of the Mille's forefathers during the first World War. 

Second, is another unique colour that can only be described as a sort of septic tumor meets baked sick.  It has certainly drawn breath from the residents and therefore the council should be congratulated on their choices, which will make certain that the Mille retains its instant recognizability.  On another note, the Mille is without its usual traffic light turner this week due to an unfortunate bust during Britain's Got Talent.  So the Mille needs a volunteer to twist the traffic lights around so they face completely the wrong direction at 4am this Sunday morning.

Obituaries.

A Miss Latifa Jenkins died immediately when she was caught robbing the house of new resident, Mr Dolph Lee Chan (4 Times World Kick Boxing Champion and Strangeways escapee).

Finally a look at the markets........ Skunk down 30p to 2p a kilo, whilst shares in the Cocoa Bean remained steady.