Wyldemille Weekly

Wyldemille Weekly....The Paper That Won't Even Stick To Balloons.

This weeks top stories.

New WW Feature!!!!

1.  Internet.

"You can use the internet for things other than porn you know".  This is what some posh bloke said to me as I was happily doing some one-handed surfing in the office the other day.  At first I laughed it off assuming it to be some kind of joke, however after some research it appears the bloke was right.  The advent of the internet has given rise to all kinds of things apart from the sacred Spankwire.  There has been a recent rise in the popularity of social networking sites such as Facebook and Bebo.  This reporter visited such sites and came away with an idea.  The websites mentioned would be too difficult for the average Milleitte to understand but with a little tweaking WW is proud to announce that it will soon launch its very own social networking site for residents and for anyone else who has a connection with the Mille.  Do not be put off if you think you do not qualify as this reporter has a list of criteria printed below that would allow you membership of this new and exciting project.

1.  Does your dealer live here or have any family here?
2.  Has your car ever been nicked, dumped or set alight here?
3.  Have you fathered any Milleites here?
4.  Have you been nailed in any subways here?

If you have answered yes to any of the above then you qualify for membership.  Here are a list of the applications you will be able to add once you register.

a) Compare Dealers:  This application allows you buy and sell a range of illegal narcotics to other users with an aim to making more profit than them.  If you are the number one dealer at the end of each week you will gain the enviable title of Mr or Miss Big.  Extra points will be gained for making your friends overdose or miss Judge Judy.

b)  Sly Poke:  With sly poke you will be able to select from a variety of actions to do to your friends.  Some of the actions available to you will be Grass them, Batter them, Steal their SKY remote, Pinch their Reeboks or Raid their stash.  The more you sly poke the more actions will become available to you eventually culminating in the dreaded 'Forget to tape Jeremy Kyle poke'.

c) Little Green Plant:  This application allows you to nurture some 'homegrown'.  The successful user of this application will learn how to import merchandise from Morocco and Holland, then cultivate your own little green plant into a forest of quality exportable goods.

d) Roiders Vs Smackheads:  This application allows you to become either a Roider or a Smackhead.  You can go around inflicting all kinds of horrible things to your victims.  Extra points will be awarded to the most original type of physical harm you can cause or for the most amount of ASBO's you can collect on a single rampage.

These are just a few of the applications out of  many that this reporter has in the planning stage.  Watch this space! Isn't it?

2.  Weather.

The glorious sunshine that has bathed the Mille this week has finally started off the Topless Garden Sunbathing season.  All the local favourites were soon into action and sales of binoculars from Hyper Value set a new record.  This paper does not need to print out the best spots for viewing although if this reporter catches any Milleites in his tree this year he will obviously have to slam them.

Finally a look at the markets.  The sunshine means that it has been a good week for the weed with prices falling so quickly the annual gang wars have started a fortnight early.